I Am Sometimes Disappointed That My Parents Didn't Give Birth To A Porn Star

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Steve Makes A Porn... Taking Suggestions

Dan Savage has announced that the local rag-The Portland Mercury is having an Amateur Porn Contest with a prize of $2000 each for the categories of "sexiest" & "funniest" film under 5 minutes. I REALLY could use the $2000, what with the new austerity plan & all. $2000 could get me & the Husband to NYC for a well deserved vacation. I think I do have the slight handicap of being 55, chunky, bald & hairy chested... but, I know for a fact that there is a market for that. I just need to come up with the gimmick or the hook that will make me a real standout among the submissions. With a good gimmick, I know I could with that $2000.

"You can pull all the stops out
Till they call the cops out
Grind your behind till you're banned.
But you gotta get a gimmick
If you wanna get a hand.
You can sacrifice your sacharo
Working in the back row.
Bump in a dump till you're dead.
Kid you gotta have a gimmick
If you wanna get ahead."
Stephen Sondheim