Survivor Guilt 101... An Early Morning Journey

I mostly travel by Portland’s light rail system- MAX, but 2 days a week, I have to be at work at 4:30 am, & so I drive the Jetta station wagon. The commute at that hour, takes me about 7 minutes from my driveway to the parking garage of the downtown tower that I work in (as apposed to 17 minutes during a regular commute & 30 minutes at rush hour). This morning, while enjoying being nearly the only vehicle on the freeway, I heard Tempted by Squeeze on my favorite station-KINK (101.8 fm). Tempted was written by Squeeze members- Dillford & Tillbrook, vocals by Paul Carrack & was produced by Elvis Costello. This song still sends me after 28+ years, & is my list of top 10 songs of all time. Tempted received much play on our stereo & on this crazy new device- the Walkman, which allowed me to walk around Seattle with my Flock Of Seagulls haircut & my black pants with zippers all over them, & listen to my tunes on a headset! It was the soundtrack to my life in 1981.


Hearing Tempted in the very early morning, sent me on a journey of a very blue little mind trip into deep survivors’ guilt. When the Squeeze album- East Side Story came out in 1981, the man who would become my husband & I were newly arrived in Seattle. My first BFFs from that era- Barbara & Loren, both fast & very dear friends that I met doing my first play in my new city, would be gone within 5 years, Barbara from cancer & Loren would be my first to go from HIV. Before the next decade would start, I would loose very nearly all my guy buddies from that era: Michael, Brian, Gordon, Doug… all handsome, talented, funny performers. I loved working with them & hanging out with them. I had crushes on all of them. HIV snapped them up fast during that time. Almost all of my gang of high school theatre nerd buddies from the late 1960s/early 70s would be gone by the end of the 1980s.


Why do I remain nostalgic for the Reagan era/ AIDs ravaged decade? It was a terrible time in so many ways. Why do I think of this time as the good old days? I guess it is because the decade was so full of promise & hope for me & my guy. I was in my late 20s & early 30s. I worked constantly as an actor, I had the best agent in town & I was getting commercials & movies & TV shows. I was friends with a bright & talented crowd. I lived in a very cool apartment with my seriously hot boyfriend. We made love every day. I had every reason to believe that I would start the 1990s with my own TV sitcom- Steve! I never considerd that I would not be nominated for Grammys, Emmys, Tonys & Oscars, & that my friends would not be there with me.  I was going to have a heap o’ fun along the way.


I quickly shook off this mind riff about the 1980s when Tempted finished playing on the car stereo. I immediately wished the next song to take me out of this sad funk that I was feeling… & what should KINK FM choose for me next? They played: Where Did All the Good People Go? by Jack Johnson:


sitting around feeling far away
so far away but i can feel the debris
can you feel it ?
you interrupt me from a friendly conversation
to tell me how great it's all gonna be
you might notice some hesitation
it's important to you it's not important to me
but way down by the edge or your reason
well it's forgetting the show
and all i really wanna know is
where did all the good people go?